


BOOM CLAP

by showyourbones



Series: BOOM [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: F/M, cis girl sehun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 00:57:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1668833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showyourbones/pseuds/showyourbones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sehun is definitely not expecting to see him at her store. She finished school to get away from the people she knew not attract them to her. To see a boy she had no intention of ever seeing ever again (like, ever) is a disappointment to say the least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	BOOM CLAP

Sehun is definitely not expecting to see him at her store. She finished school to get away from the people she knew not attract them to her. To see a boy she had no intention of ever seeing ever again (like, ever) is a disappointment to say the least. 

It’s Christmas rush and the Au Bon Pain she works in is packed full of demanding people. Rich families and a lot of loud white children fill the cafe. He is really the last person she wants to see but she isn’t surprised. Around here would probably be one of the first places she would think of for him to go for gifts. Or just shopping to shop. Whatever rich people like to do.

“Uh….hi. May I take your order?” she asks. She thinks for a second then remembers to smile. 

The boy blinks through recognition in return. She doesn’t know Tao, the boy slightly taller than her, that intimately. She avoided him and his friends in college. He slept with her roommate, a tiny boy named Kyungsoo Do who claimed it was probably a mistake, but certainly fun. She forgets the rest, or at least tries to, because it was definitely not fucking pleasant and pretty damn graphic. She walked in on them naked. She didn’t need to know about anyone’s dick size. When she learned, she vowed to never try it again in another ten years.

“Ah, Sehun?” He smiles. It’s nice in the way she always thought but couldn’t stand because of its niceness. It holds a certain genuine tinge to it that confused her. “How are you? You graduated early, right?”

“Yep,” she nods. “Um. Yea. Uh, what do you want?” She mentally berates herself because it wasn’t supposed to come out that way. “Sorry if that was rude I’m tired,” she apologizes. She fucking thanks whatever deity was watching out for her that no one is around. Specifically not her manager. Angie is wonderful but she also likes to watch Sehun splutter through interactions. The worst is when Angie laughs whenever Sehun struggles to contain her disdain for a rude customer. Angie claims Sehun does this thing with her jaw.

“Oh, yea. May I have a chicken cobb with avocado with dressing on the side and a sriracha chicken sandwich,” he responds, smiling through it. He adds, “Please.”

“Yep. Sure. Uh, 18.89 please,” she mumbles after ringing him up. 

She should have realized sooner that her complete distaste for this meeting doesn’t rest on the fact that she doesn’t want anyone she has known from school around her, or even the fact that she only has a minimum coat of makeup on--six layers down from her usual eight. She realizes that she’s serving some rich frat boy from her school a fucking sandwich. This is her occupation as a newly graduated woman with two degrees. Working in an upscale sandwich shop.

Yea, she feels inferior. She is old enough to recognize it because she frequently feels it. 

“So you never answered my question,” he sounds amused, he’s smirking. She wants to punch him. She’s so tired, so embarrassed.

“What question?” She feigns ignorance while getting change for his fifty. His fucking fifty. Really? Ok that kind of makes sense, relax, she thought. At least it’s not a 100 and you know that happens all the time. She suppresses a giggle; the amount of times she’s been caught laughing at the things she’s told herself is seriously countless. She doesn’t need Tao thinking she’s broke, pathetic, and nuts. She is all three but that’s information for herself and her loved ones.

“How are you?” He presses, probably aware of her fake cluelessness. He seems interested which is a bit strange for her. The smirk’s still there but it lights up the prince of darkness look he tends to have into something a bit more boyish, mischievous, and a hell of a lot less intimidating.

“I am fine,” she smiles as she handed his money back. “I’m working. At an Au Bon Pain so it’s definitely what I got my degree for. I can die happy now.” Perhaps her response is more sardonic than one would prefer.

He laughs in response like he’s genuinely tickled. Most people don’t find her funny unless they share her sense of humor or understand it. “Oh--” 

“How are you!” She interrupts but quickly apologize when she realizes how rude the interruption seems. She may not be good with people, not full of tact, but she becomes earnest in a weird way to make up for it. A fact about herself that some find endearing and others annoying. Mostly annoying. 

“I’m good,” he nods. “I, uh,” he pauses. He looks down at the money in his hands and his face falls. For all of her social ineptitude, she has a good read on people (or at least she thinks. Hopes. She’s read a few books on body language for fun.) He looks disappointed, a bit sullen, but there’s a customer behind him. Besides, she isn’t the best at consoling people she doesn’t know very well. She swears she doesn’t care. 

“I have a break in like 10 minutes. There’s a customer behind you, sorry. But. We can, like, catch up? It’s cool seeing someone I kinda once knew from school. I don’t know…” she trails off, embarrassed again. She shouldn’t be ashamed though, right? She’s being nice, doing her duty for the Christmas spirit even though her stepdad is Buddhist and she’s an atheist. It’s a feeling and she’s sure Minseok would applaud her for doing something nice in the name of Jesus. Or whatever.

“Sure. I’d really like that,” he nods in response. He gives her a smile after the nod (one that she definitely doesn’t like but she knows she finds it cute because she accidentally grimaces in response) and walks off.

The customer behind her looks annoyed. They certainly let her know through their attitude towards her. She can hear Angie cackle as she feels herself moving her jaw around.

\--

“Hi, sorry,” she greets Tao when she walks up to his table. “I have a bit of time. So. How are you?”

“I know we don’t know each other well I was just surprised to see you…” he trails off and looks behind her, focusing on something on one of the walls. Can’t be too interesting since he snaps his attention back to her.

“I have seen you naked,” she murmurs. He lets out a high-pitched laugh and then covers his mouth.

“Oh my god,” his voice comes out muffled through his hands. “I forgot about that. God. Your scream.”

“Um, I’m not really used to seeing tan ass on a Saturday morning, no.” She squeezes her eyes shut. “That was weird to say oh my god. I don’t want to talk about that anymore with you. Or anyone.”

He smirks again but can’t suppress a giggle. An actual giggle. From a sort-of grown man. She doesn’t feel charmed but she knows she does because she grimaces. Again. He gives her a weird look in return. 

“Are you almost done with school?” She changes tracks. “What’s your major again? Econ, right?”

He sighs. He’s looking down again like actually having a conversation was painful. Sehun knows that isn’t true in most circumstances. He’s charming, his mysterious aura draws people towards him. That attention was something that he seemed like he loved and it was okay. Some people are meant to shine without actually ever doing anything. 

“Acpro.” His mouth is in a straight line when he says it. “The kind where you get suspended.”

“Ah,” she nods. Academic probation wasn’t hard to get and it was pretty common within the greek scene or those who had friends in it. Some people that ran in those crowds get too caught up in the college life or it isn’t for them and they can’t handle it. Sehun’s in no position to judge—makes it a point not to with anyone anyways—but she isn’t surprised. She knows the volume at which the popular rich kids at school drank and did drugs to replace homework. Some just have better time management than others. “I’m sorry.” 

And she is. It’s tough to be home and away from your friends from a possibly preventable mistake. It didn’t make him any less no matter what the circumstance but she thinks he probably felt like it.

“Yea. I’m not going to go back, actually,” he lets out a little laugh after he says it. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, sorry.”

“Um, I could tell something was off so. That’s why I,” she put her arms out at the table hoping that conveyed her message. “It’s okay? Like, it happens. You… I don’t know. I hope you figure things out. I have my degree and I’m working here so. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”

“Don’t you feel like you’re disappointing anyone? Your parents? Yourself?” He looks her in the eye. “I’m sorry if that’s offensive. I don’t mean that you are but…”

“Everyday.” She knows she doesn’t have to say more because he understands.

It’s more than just not fulfilling the dreams that were placed onto them. It’s about the lackluster feeling every morning, the ennui, lethargy; it’s the rut. And possibly, it’s something much more for Tao that she can’t understand now. But she knows this: when you think you have things figured out and they don’t go as planned, it throws everything off track.

He look into her eyes a bit longer than she feels comfortable with (so, 2 seconds) and she drops her gaze. She knows he’s still staring but she can’t be strong and return it. Where his moves are confidence (and perhaps all of that is false) she shrinks away. She’s rough around the edges for sure, brash even, but it’s generally always on impulse and feeling. When she really thinks things through she shies away from the attention her actions bring.

Perhaps that’s what makes her feel so different from others. But...she never felt super uncomfortable with Tao. She ran into him a bit on campus, she literally saw his ass (which was nice if she were to think about it a bit more. Firm? Tan? Cute? But still weird), and she saw him in a couple of her classes. She never felt judgment from him but she didn’t know him. What she did know was how annoying, elitist, and rude his friends were. She generally feels out of place on the best of days but going to an elite college made her actually feel displaced.

She was the opposite of the majority there, not white, not tiny, not rich, and certainly not on the path to receiving more riches without intense work. She knew it going into school. She found her niche in time, she definitely had more fun than she thought she should have, she was happy—a happiness she had to work for—but she was excited to get out of the university bubble and see the world again.

She wanted to get away from the entitled people she saw on a daily basis, those stifling attitudes that didn’t accept differences. She knew that her train of thought made her defenses go up even more but it worked for her. The one thing she never got with Tao was how he never made her feel that way. She didn’t resent him, only people he know. She could almost feel like he saw her as an actual peer instead of looking down on her.

She felt like he could maybe understand her a bit.. It wasn’t—it isn’t really rooted in fact. Whatever ease she felt around him doesn’t mean that she wants to be around him. She thinks she figures out why sitting with him. She figured things out back in school, secure in her sort of misfit status but every time she was aware of his presence she realized even though he fit in he seemed unhappy. She thinks it should have been the opposite. Maybe she’s armchair psychologist-ing it though. 

“I have to go back,” she apologizes. “But.” She bites her lip. “You should…you should give me your number.” She decides on that with finality. She looks back at him to see his smile. He nods.

\--

“Erghhhhh,” Sehun announces her presence when she opens her apartment door. “AUGHHHHHHH,” she yells. She wants attention and she wans it now.

“Why are you so loud when you don’t have to be but so quiet when you need to fucking speak up,” Minseok snaps at her when she comes out of the kitchen. Sehun giggles while she wraps her arms around her tiny companion/roommate/best friend/possibly her mom.

“Because I wanna,” she answers. After, she blows a raspberry on Minseok’s cheek. She can feel Minseok roll her eyes but her grip tightens to hug Sehun.

“I was cooking dinner. You-know-who is coming over,” her voice comes out muffled because her face buried in Sehun’s neck. Sehun almost doesn’t want to let go because now she wants to choke her.

“Him?”

“Sehuna I’m sorry!” she apologizes when Sehun pulls away and sees Sehun do that thing with her mouth, not the jaw thing but the frown where she uses her whole face that no one else can seem to copy. Sehun huffs and flops down on their couch. 

“He’s just so,” she pauses with her hands mid-gesture and searches for the words. “Nope can’t think of a word, sorry.”

“He’s my boyfriend,” Minseok deadpans. She’s giving her that look. Sehun fucking knows that look. It’s going to work on her so Sehun knows she’s going to have to give up being a brat quickly.

“Ugh, I’ll give up early then. I’ll be nice. I’m always nice to him! It’s just that you two are really fucking weird together is all.” She scratches her head and thinks of continuing. “I saw his friend at work today actually. I was nice. I just. You know how I get.”

HE, Luhan, was Minseok’s longterm boyfriend and one of Tao’s really good friends. And while he wasn’t actually in a frat when they were in school most of his friends were. Minseok hated him for a while and for good reason. They were fooling around for a bit before they got together and while Minseok could deal with rejection she couldn’t deal with his manpain. His manpain being that he loved her or whatever but couldn’t actually commit to that because he was worried about what would happen. So he was an asshole to her for a while.

Sehun was, admittedly, not the best with words. But she was very good with other things. Other things such as being incredibly clingy, probably annoying, and very possessive and protective. So while their situation was fixed, Sehun’s trepidation still stood. Two years later. She’s a bit of a slow adapter. Luhan swears he still has a scar from when Sehun “accidentally” hit him with her heel. It really was an accident because Sehun can’t wear heels and she fell when she was drunk and he just happened to be collateral. Happy accidents.

“Oh, Tao?” she hums in acknowledgement. “He’s coming.”

“Minseok Kim I swear to the god you believe in I will not attend!” Sehun shoots up in her seat. “Why! I already talked to him for like ten minutes today and it was horrifying. I probably did several things wrong! He was also sad? That was very confusing. I hope he stops that but also I need like. Peace.”

“I slaved over making drunken noodles for you. I want one of my best friends to have a nice dinner with my. Him. His best friend is coming. It will be nice. You will be polite and enjoy yourself. You always do. Why do I have to tell you how to behave every time when you know how?” By the end of Minseok’s demands she’s reached the couch and threads her hands through Sehun’s red bob, a tactic that always calms her down.

“I’m stressed,” Sehun sighs. 

“We will de-stress. Huh? Sehunnie~” she tickles under Sehun’s chin to get rid of her pout. “We can maybe get drunk tonight! Then this weekend we’ll go to Jongdae’s party. Are you ok?”

“I am,” she nods. Minseok raises her eyebrow. “I swear I am. I would tell you, you know that.” She was the youngest out of all of her friends; while she tries her hardest to be as independent as she can, they do worry. They tell her for all the protecting she does they’ll protect her too. She’s usually happy but sometimes she isn’t. They let her know it’s ok when she slips and needs help.

“I always gotcha, ok? Don’t forget please. Get ready.”

“You are so fucking bossy jesus christ!” Sehun attempts to smother her with a pillow.

\--

Sehun decides on her usual ten layers of makeup to go with her outfit. After spending years in schools where she felt that they stamped her creativity and tried to make a clone out of her (a statement that her friends constantly laughed at her for. Even in her earnestness she sounds like a disgruntled teenager but she is 21 and a full fledged adult) she prides herself on her personal style. 

It’s something that she enjoys thinking about—taking time out of her day and having a ritual of getting ready was something she can never take for granted as long as she has the energy for it. She puts on her favorite black skinnies with a soft oversized red jumper. At first she thought that was going to seem a bit too Christmas-y. As much as she tries to not even think about how others will think of her there’s a tiny part that goes, "What will they think?" 

So every time that she doubts herself she pushes through the manageable anxiety and goes through with her original plans (well anything within reason.) The sweater is the perfect compromise. Little things like this may seem like nothing to others but to her it was the foundation of her happiness and growth. Liberation or something. 

She wanted to forgo socks though and definitely couldn't because she didn't shower that day nor does she ever take care of her toes. 

When she comes out of her room Minseok’s humming to herself. Sehun thinks it's that Lady Gaga song, the one about being under someone, and she cringes because she knows Minseok is probably thinking about Luhan fucking her while setting the table.

Minseok looks up and smiles. "You're so chic and pretty, Sehun."

"Mooom," Sehun whines and sticks her tongue out. Sehun always looks at Minseok with a bit of jealousy if she were being honest. Minseok is so tiny yet incredibly mature. She comes with all the good qualities Sehun likes in someone. Minseok’s constantly trying to improve herself for the people that she thinks deserve her at her best. What's worse is that she’s so fucking pretty. Sehun hated her on principal when they first met, then she had a crush on her, and all that frustration culminated to their friendship. 

Sehun knows Minseok has had her own insecurities; she tended to go quiet, she struggled with accepting her body, stuff that most people dealt with but she pushed through it. The confidence she projects attracts people. Like going towards that burning bush, if she were to become biblical. Minseok ’s like Tao in that way; doesn't really have to do much to receive adoration from others. But that's where their comparisons stop. Minseok knows it but doesn’t need it for validation, can’t really be fucked to care, she’s a little embarrassed about the attention too. Either way works out for the both of them respectively. But sometimes…sometimes Sehun wishes she has that kind of light too. Although she won't change how things worked out for her. She just has to work harder for relationships; to give people a reason to stay. If there’s nothing inherently special about her she makes something special. At least she’s smart enough to do that.

Minseok huffs at Sehun's response but she knows Sehun’s blush is her thanks. Compliments were not her forte. Minseok won't lie to her though, she knows that.

"You're always so pretty and cute so shut up," Sehun huffs. Minseok rolls her eyes and prods her with a fork. There’s a reason they’re so close to each other. Minseok doesn’t know what to do with a compliment either. 

She moves around in silence as Sehun watches her (something all her friends quickly got used to. The staring.) The doorbell rings and Sehun frowns.

"I was going to lecture you but despite your behavior I remembered you are actually so cute and pleasant. Brat," Minseok pinches her cheek then she moves to open the door. She looks in the mirror by the door and fixes her pink hair. Ever since she dyed it she had gone on an all-black kick, claiming anything else would be too girly and not her style. The both of them weren't the most colorful bunch in the first place, not compared to Jongdae or even Luhan, and being girly was something Sehun was generally not in danger of.

Sehun hears the door open, hears a giggle (Luhan) and the sound of a quick kiss. She rolls her eyes and gags at herself.

"I saw that!" Minseok yells.

"Only moms have eyes in the back of their heads," she mumbles. "Sup," she gives a heads up to Luhan then Tao.

"Hey Sehun," Luhan smiles at her. He pulls her into a tight hug which of course she returns. She’s touchy and she likes hugs not Luhan (she likes Luhan.)

"How are you?" He asks while he ruffles her hair.

"Excuse me!" She barks. She swats his hand away. "This was perfectly coiffed bed head!"

They all laugh at her like she’s joking. Actually, they laugh at her like they know she’s not kidding and that makes it funny. Maybe she’s a comedic genius.

Tao sits at the table while Luhan tries to help Minseok with the plates but really he gets in her way. His need to touch her at all times is astounding, especially given the type of person Minseok is but that never stops him. Everyone knows she adores it. Sehun makes a face at them that receives a laugh from Tao.

"So weird. I have to admit when they first started the pre-dating thing I was so confused because she really never seemed like the type to mesh with his personality," he confesses.

While he’s talking, Sehun really looks at Tao for the first time tonight and she’s hit with surprise at how attractive she finds him. 

Attraction is something that Sehun rarely thinks about. She lives in a huge city, she sees plenty of men and women that look really good to her every morning on the subway. The cute guy with five dogs on the 1, the businesswoman on the shuttle. She just enjoys looking and there’s a lot to look at. But she would rarely if ever act on it. It isn't important to her. Engaging is sort of not on her priority list.

So, she knows that it's a fact that she is constantly surrounded by attractive people. She also knows that people she considers friends, the ones she loves so much, will always be beautiful to her but having someone not in that circle that she's interacting with is different for her. 

It doesn't help that he dresses exactly the way she likes, hitting all her spots. Tight ripped black jeans, a white long sleeved shirt, and nike blazers. Simple but very affective for her. With light eyeliner to make his eyes stand out and his piercings. She grimaces.

"Ok, I have to ask am I doing something wrong or?" He looks confused and in turn so is she. Minseok and Luhan come back and the conversation ends but she realizes why he asked belatedly. She regrets not squashing his fear or whatever. How do you say, "It's you but it's not really you. It's just how attractive I find you." 

"So I got no help from the girl I made this for, no surprise there," Minseok rolls her eyes as she sets one of the dishes down. Sehun responds with sticking out her tongue very maturely. Minseok scoffs at her. "Her palate is like half baby and half way too fucking sophisticated," she tells Tao. "Those are drunken noodles, no meat for princess and then one with meat. I will never cook again." 

Sehun smiles at her. "Thank you!" Minseok winks at her. 

They talk throughout dinner and Minseok brings the wine out. Sehun, Minseok, Luhan, and Jongdae saw a film Sehun had no desire to see, had told Minseok why many a time, but went anyway. Her interests extend to studying, drinking to blow off steam, and film criticism; a career she was chasing which made it necessary to watch a lot of films. She doesn’t want to talk about why she hates it now, though.

She knows what she likes, what she doesn’t like, and the very fact based reasons for it. Not everyone wants to debate about everything, something she remembers when people who have no critical thinking skills remind her. She can be obnoxious with her thinking and in the way that she challenges others. She won't apologize for it, for fighting for what she believes in, but she could keep quiet to save exasperation.

"You are astonoshingly quiet about this," Luhan nudges her from his seat. 

"We have company," she mumbles. Shovels more food into her mouth.

"So? I'm sure he would love to hear your opinion just like us," Minseok narrows her eyes at her. Then she glances sideways at Tao, silently daring him to challenge her.

"Uh, well I saw it with Min and our friend. Luhan being there goes without saying of course... It just had a really poor and unrealistic portrayal of women in that particular place and an unecessary western gaze. Ugh I don't know. I wrote a review about it," Sehun mumbles then bites the inside of her cheek. "Imagine if a white guy literally put all his assumptions about a certain place and got praised for it, that's the film. On top of that it had poor direction." She has to stop herself before the memories of her sitting in front of her computer writing a review for the film blog of her old professor’s floods back. That was two weeks ago and she was still annoyed.

"I agree," Tao nods. "I read your review. You post all of them on facebook. It was really good, I love the way you write. You’re really funny too." 

Her eyebrows shoot up. Then, "I added you?" Sehun says in response. She widens her eyes when she realizes what she said. "I'm gonna get water for everyone. Hold on." She gets up quickly and moves five steps into their tiny kitchen. When she returns with the pitcher they have thankfully moved on.

Luhan brings up what Jongdae is doing. He’s moved in with his boyfriend, Jay, which stood for something longer that he refused to tell Sehun because she would then call him his full Ghanian name when she’s cross with him (a habit she has with everyone when she’s chastising them or being bossy.) 

"Something you have no doubt picked up from that one," he pointed at Jongdae at the time. Well, at least she could shift blame onto someone. She giggled and smiled wide when he winked at her.

"They're getting a dog tomorrow, Jongin is going to freak," Luhan laughs. "She'll force them to let Monggu play with them."

"She’ll give her child siblings," Minseok jokes. "I can't wait to see. It's a miniature German Spitz."

"Cute," Sehun grunts, preoccupied with shoving food into her mouth. She likes animals, her friends were too obsessed with them for her not to feel a way about them, but she knows she has all the time in the world to get acquainted.

"I haven't heard about Jongdae in a while wow," Tao peeps up. "I forgot about him."

"Well, he hates you. So," Sehun announces. God. "I am just kidding, wow."

"He was jealous about the Kyungsoo thing. He had a mild crush on him for a bit," Minseok explains for Sehun. "Sehunnie you're so good at being social,” she teases.

"Oh, really?" Tao laughs softly. Then he smiles a little wider which is cute but kind of ugly. So Sehun is endeared.

"Yea, but then he was like I don’t know who to be more jealous of. So, you're actually a hot issue. And he doesn't hate you. In fact...everyone I know likes Luhan's really hot friend." She shovels more food in her mouth to get herself to shut up.

"Except you," he points at her. She looks at him, confusion written all over her face. She feels like it’s the beginning of the dinner all over again. Neither Minseok or Luhan seem to process what he said, or if they did they don't acknowledge it.

"Oh, Before I forget! Tao, Luhan told me about you wanting to switch majors to art history a couple of months ago but not being able to. My mom does community outreach stuff with lots of museums. Luhan mentioned your favorite here is the MOMA? So, I asked my mom about internship opportunities or anything that you can do at the museum for the summer. You'd be done with school by then..." Minseok pauses to drink water.

Sehun's heart drops. Either Tao didn't tell Luhan about his withdrawal or Luhan didn't have time to talk to Minseok about it and Sehun didn't really talk about it before. Saying he was sad did not equate to he's sad because he got kicked out for a semester then decided to drop out. 

She wracks her brain on diversion tactics and she settles on what she knows best. "Minseok, did you put meat in this!" She almost yells. "I swear I tasted a piece of chicken." Minseok narrows her eyes at him then Sehun. 

"I hope so," she snarls. She gets up to get more wine not bothering to hide her mumbles of how annoying Sehun was. It’s a good distraction tactic, though. She refuses to look at Tao after but she knows he’s looking at her.

The rest of the dinner goes by fine, they talk and drink more. Sehun has fun despite saying more stupid things. She’s been giggling a lot because there’s wine. Sehun wasn't an insane partier in college but she really did have a lot of fun.  
The only issue is that she has a large body. For every two glasses of wine Minseok can consume, a flush creeping up her neck as the alcohol makes her glassy-eyed, eyeing Luhan with barely contained lust, Sehun would have to drink four very fast to even start admit she found their behavior a little cute. Because she’s not a lightweight she’s prone to going too far, not realizing she's reached her limit because she has to drink so much.

It doesn’t bother her though. She enjoys drinking because it makes her relax. She thinks less and she’s more pliant, a cuddly giant. She has drank enough that she feels nice enough to do everyone's dishes (a fact she regrets about ten minutes in.) Minseok and Luhan are doing weird couple stuff on the couch. At this point in her tipsiness she finds it really cute, feeling words like, "that's really cool that you love each other" bubbling in her chest which is horribly embarrassing.

By the time she gets to the talking to herself portion of her tipsy boredom she can feel someone in the kitchen. She startles a bit and blushes when Tao makes his presence known. The kitchen is so small so to slide by her he has to shuffle to get to the other side. His chest brushes against her a bit, his hand on her mid-back, while he moves. She doesn’t really freeze up but she wants to give in to the touch but knows she can’t. It’s okay.

"I wasn't talking to myself!" She defends herself perhaps a bit too early. 

"Yea, sure," he laughs and reaches over to ruffle her hair. She huffs as she scrubs a plate.

"You and Luhan have the same annoying tendencies. I am not a child." But she let him do it anyway. Even though she doesn't know him too well, even though she doesn't want to be near him she still feels this sense of comfort that she only feels with the people she has established relationships with.

He hops up onto the counter. "Thanks. For earlier." She can feel herself heat up so she looks down so he doesn’t see. He probably chalks it up to an alcohol flush. Plus she’s so fucking pale.

"For what?" She shrugs.

"What you did back there. Unless you really ate a piece of chicken and." He pauses when she looks up. "Oh, you were doing that thing. Gotcha." 

She laughs at his sheepish smile and flicks a sud at him in return.

\--

If on Thursday she was tipsy, on Saturday she is wasted. It’s been a stressful week for her. She had work and some deadlines she had to meet.

After the dinner on Thursday, Sehun had to explain to Minseok the issue with Tao's schooling. Or non-issue. She looked regretful for not knowing. They found out Luhan had just recently heard the news from Tao himself and they didn't have time to talk about it. 

"But that doesn't mean he can't do the internship. Plus his family is loaded I think it’ll be okay, I just feel bad for mentioning he would graduate," Minseok explains. 

It’s true. He can still do the things that he wants to do. But Sehun doesn’t know him well enough to encourage him into something she has no business discussing. She told Minseok as much, in turn she shook her head and told her it was fine. She said he probably considered Sehun a friend by now.

Which was a weird thing to think about. She didn’t mind it. She’s been thinking about this a lot.

So here she lies on Jongdae's nice couch. He lives in Brooklyn in a very nice apartment that he could afford because he makes six fucking figures one year out of school. Major engineering paid the bills. Sehun has major jealousy. Her apartment with Minseok could be called cute-ish at best. 

Jongdae and Jongin are trying to get her up for more socialization but she’s tired. "That's rich coming from you, kid,'" she points at Jongin.

"I'm older than you, freak." To punctuate her maturity she sticks out her tongue. Sehun always notices that although her and her best friends are incredibly different, they all hold eerily similar personality traits to hers. Lots and lots of maturity that is.

Jongin has been her best friend her whole life. They grew up together and stayed close because of their fondness for sleeping probably. Jongin was there through the worst of Sehun, which, even Jongin has admitted, wasn't even close to the worst of Jongin. After her mom's death she had spiralled pretty hard. There were a lot of things Sehun couldn't understand about Jongin. They were both sensitive but Sehun kept it close to her and silent, internalized everything. Jongin was that way sometimes, sure, but she wore her heart on her sleeve. Destruction was in her nature, she says. But after several stumbles she’s finally getting it together. She has a bit of school left and Sehun can't be more proud.

They had spent years apart due to college but the minute Sehun becomes more available Jongin is always determined not to waste time. Which is why, more often than not, she’s forced to be social. 

"I'll be back in ten minutes then," Jongin decides. This of course meant that Sehun better be prepared to move. All of her friends are bossy. She’s a sucker because she always does what they say despite her strong aversion to authority and being told what to do.

"Get ready!" Jongdae laughs and, of course, ruffles Sehun's hair. It makes her feel better when he does it to Jongin too.

Sehun sits up on the very expensive couch, rubs her feet all over it in retaliation while giggling to herself. She jumps when she feels a tap on her shoulder and is a bit surprised to see Tao looking at her. 

Every time she sees him she’s more thrown than the last. The boy from college that she was used to was a lot more polished. More dudebro and less, "I rip my own jeans" which Sehun was sure he did. She would notice faint holes in his ears at school(not that she stared at him) so the piercings back in his ears isn't a surprise but it is pleasant. What is a surprise is the ring in his nose and the two tattoos on each inner mid-arm.

He looks good as always, wearing what she assumes is his favorite tight ripped black jeans and a loose white shirt with flannel wrapped around his waist and, she notices with a snort, a snapback. Of course. That didn't change.

"Hey," she says as he sits beside her. She moves her legs towards her so there’s more space, hides her ugly toes in the cushion. She scoffs at her own insecure behavior. Her toes. 

"Hey," he replies, his smile faint but genuine. She loves it, too drunk to pretend she doesn't.

"Can I ask you a question?" She isn't confident but asks anyway. He nods. "Do you think I don't like you?" He looks at her before replying. She can tell he’s processing the question. He tilts his head and frowns a bit.

"No? I—there are lots of things I think about you but that was never one of them." He pauses but looks like he wants to continue. This is the first time she has ever seen him falter in her presence. He never answers questions as unsure as she does with other people. He’s always so sure… it throws her off. That and he just told her he has thought a lot about her. He continues, "do you, though? Not like me."

"No," she answers without hesitation. "What do…what have you thought about me?" She wants to shrink away. Make herself seem smaller so she won't feel so big, long limbs everywhere making a mess. Every time she fucking opens her mouth around this boy. "Like the lots of things or whatever. What do you think?" The do I want to know? is unsaid but he must hear it. 

"I think that you're uncomfortable around me but it's not about me. You never felt like you fit in at school and you didnt. The people I hung around reminded you of that... I could be wrong but that's what I thought. I always really liked you though. For being yourself. For being headstrong." Sehun can't see well but she swears she sees a blush. "I feel like you'd hate me saying this first but you're also super cute. The way you act around people, your actions, and your face. It’s all very attractive." She grimaces at his words. He frowns. “But I have to admit those faces you make have me feeling insecure." 

She always wonders what on earth others have to be insecure about. What Tao lacks... but there's more to the world than just how she feels about others. 

"I just think," she starts. Stops. Has to get her bearings and courage. "You're attractive? Hot. Cute. But…the way I feel sometimes around you because of that makes me-I’m thrown. Then I make that face." She says what she needs and she feels relieved about it. Fucking finally.

"Ah," he nods, sounding contemplative but he wears a big grin. He is clearly very satisfied at her comment. She rolls her eyes. "I don't think I'm the person you think I am." Sehun wants to say she doesn't mind either way. She can't change people. "Even if it doesn't matter to you, I have changed a lot. I had to-I."

"Let's go to the roof," Sehun interrupts. She would feel bad but sitting on Jongdae's expensive couch is not the place to have any of the conversations that could potentially happen if either of them got better at communication. He seems reluctant about it but she intertwines their fingers to pull. Before she makes any moves to untangle their fingers he grips her hard.

And this is what it feels like: a little too right, a little too intense. She had no idea feeling his fingers in hers could feel so good. But that's generally how her life works—she stumbles into things blind, has no goddamn clue where these people come from, where her situations are going to take her. 

Tao suggests that they leave and go back to his apartment if they want a clearer space. His apartment in Soho isn’t too far. Sehun tells everyone she’s leaving (receives a glare from her friends over it but Jongin kisses her before she leaves) then gets on her shoes and coat. She’s fucking drunk and wobbly from the alcohol so Tao laces their fingers together again.

By the time they arrive to his ridiculously nice apartment Sehun is fucking famished. “I’m hungry,” she pouts. “Please feed me~” She hops up on his kitchen counters. 

He laughs at her. “Do you want to order food? I think I have some snacks. I’m not sure because I haven’t been here in a while.” He opens his fridge and she peers around his back. Not before she sees his shirt has slide up a little, exposing a small strip of his tan skin and a tattoo that wraps around his hip bone. She sighs.

“Oh! Mango! And the cheese. Do you have crackers?” She knows she’s being demanding. She blushes before apologizing. “I get so fucking hungry when I’m drunk. I swear to god I’d eat you if that wasn’t horrible.”

He pulls everything out for her and sets it beside her on the counter. He finds crackers too and with the knife he’s given her she’s going to town. She stares at him and chews while he peels the mango for her. His profile, if possible, is even nicer than his face.

He cuts off a small piece from what he’s peeled of the mango and holds it up to her mouth. Her hands are occupied but she could easily put everything dow. He’s pushing the piece of mango against her lips though so she opens her mouth. He looks into her eyes when she takes it into her mouth. When she chews she looks down.

“I hope,” she fidgets. “I wanted to tell you…you can still do the internships, yea? I hope I’m not overstepping or whatever. I just feel like you’d be such a great candidate. Um,” she scratches her chin then pouts. “Sorry.”

He doesn’t reply for a bit but continues to peel her mango. When he’s done he sets it on a plate then washes his hands. He stands in front of her legs; he’s a little too close but not close enough that most people would be bothered. Most people in her position would probably love attention like this. She hopes he’s not irritated. 

“Don’t apologize,” he says eventually. “Thank you for thinking of me. I was actually going to call Minseok about it later on this week. Well, I was debating on doing it.”

“You should!” She encourages around a mouthful of food. “My friend Jongin…I don’t know if you met her?” He shakes his head no. “She had some problems with school too…She’s back though but you know it’s not uncommon, right? Dunno,” she shrugs. That was a pathetic attempt at consolation.

He laughs though and smiles. “Yea,” he nods. 

“I was on acpro once too,” she cringes. She wants to stop talking but can’t stop herself. She has to tell him what no one knows because for some reason she thinks it will help. “I was so depressed when I finally got to school. I was fighting with my mom all the time because she really...was something during my parent’s divorce. And after. It was such a struggle doing anything. I got through it, though. I was lucky to not have to withdraw. Things got better by the end of the first year but I was still having a bit of a hard time. I wanted to drop out so badly. I was really close. I went to the registrar’s office and everything.” She’s stopped eating by now. Tao’s a bit closer. 

“But you did it,” he says, sways her thigh with his hand then rests it there.

“Yea. But the point is that like. I know? You can talk to me. If you want. No matter what you do the decision is okay. I was going to make a flippant joke about your wealth but I’m not completely sure that is appropriate,” she laughs. She looks up at him. 

There’s a faint smile on his face but she doesn’t know what it means. But that’s good. He doesn’t think she’s a total fool. “I think I finally figured out what was right for me. Then I was really happy. No one but you knows about this though.” His hand makes her feel like her leg is enveloped in warmth, like she’s sitting by a fireplace. The kind of warmth that reminds you of so many nice things in the world but that you take for granted. When you feel it though, it seems impossible that you could ever forget.

“Are you happy now?” he asks her quietly. He’s trying to find her eyes again, he does that so much, and she lets them connect.

“Yes.” She tilts her head to the side to think more. “Mostly yes. I’m figuring out so much right now. I’m also pretty fucking broke but for the most part I think I’m good. Are you?” Maybe it’s a stupid question to ask because he breaks eye contact with her and removes his hand. She loses the warm but his demeanor isn’t cold.

“No,” he shakes his head. “Not at all. But I’ll get there.” She’s surprised with such an honest answer because if she were asked the same question and she wasn’t happy she’d lie through her teeth. She doesn’t want to press the issue further, figures she’ll get more when he’s ready.

“Can you give me more food?” She knows she did the right thing when he finally laughs. He’s surprised he even does it but…it’s loud and obnoxious but perfect. 

\--

Since the night she went to his apartment they've texted each other everyday and hung out frequently in a group setting. They get along pretty great. Sehun can finally show him she’s not a completely socially inept baby. He goes along with her teasing and stupid sense of humor in the way all her good friends do. She likes it. 

There’s one thing that bothers her. In all the time they’ve been friends Sehun knows in her heart that with every emoticon she sends he is resisting doing the same. It takes her about a month to get her confirmation when she’s checking her phone after work.

S: i have actually been listening 2 a lot of lorde recently.  
S: her lyrics r so bad and she’s  
S: 17 and has no idea what she is talking abt when it comes 2 feminism…  
S: she likes 2 wear makeup that makes her look like a mother? must ask minseok what makeup she is wearing… but i like it.  
S: music not makeup. reminds me of the old poetry i used 2 write  
S: i had a binder full of it and i’d write it in korean and english as a kid  
S: something like “ really like this orange juice, but i feel like my life is not like juice because it’s boring”  
S: literally a lorde lyric. please give my poetry lots of love~  
S: ヾ(´･ω･｀)

She rolls her eyes at her message, reminding herself to not be so fucking lame every time she sends anyone any texts.

T: that should get published. it’s cute.  
T: ٩(•̤̀ᵕ•̤́๑)ᵒᵏᵎᵎᵎᵎ  
T: i’m not doing anything tomorrow and we’ve missed some oppourtinies to see each other for a bit. do you wanna grab dinner. know a good italian spot i feel like you will like. if you don’t like it i won’t be upset (i might be upset.) 

Sehun weighs her options. She obviously wants to. She wants to see him so badly. She’s stopped pretending that she doesn’t after she basically told him that she liked him at Jongdae’s party. Which is embarrassing but her life is full of embarrassment so. What she does not like, besides now admitting to liking a real human which is something she has not done in a long while, is how easy she thinks it could be with him when it would probably be anything but. Getting into anything romantic is messy and there’s no guarantee she’ll get anything back for her troubles.

Sure she heard him say she was cute. A lot of people have. Sometimes they have meant it and most times they probably haven’t. Even if he thinks she is cute, or pretty, even beautiful, likes her strange personality…she blocks herself from getting her hopes up in romantic entanglements. She’s not used to boys either. Girls are easier, nicer, better looking and she can barely do that. So she has a crush, which isn’t fair to her because there is a big chance nothing will come of it.

It’s not like Sehun doesn’t dream about these things or fantasize. She has very grand ideas about what love should be and who would be included in them. Although Tao isn’t her dream girl, he is part of the equation of a dream person. But whenever she gets her hopes up with regards to her romantic life they seemed to be squashed.

Her last relationship, if you could call it that, wasn’t a wash though. She learned a lot about herself and other people. The girl…it wasn’t meant to be and that was okay. Before that there was Jongin for a very brief, dark period of time (born out of necessity more than anything.) Once in college she gave a guy she didn’t like a handjob because she was upset and needed reassurance. She quickly learned that doing shit she didn’t want with others to feel better (or help them feel better) was not the right avenue for her. So when it came to romance she was idealistic, sure, but certainly not naive. She shielded herself from any potential hurt.

Tao can potentially sweep her off her feet. She sure as hell felt intense enough about him, which is not an uncommon occurrence—she feels intense about most of her relationships. He can also reject her (the most horrifying on the list), not treat her in the ways she demands (second most horrifying), or FWB her which would never be an option. She’s possessive and jealous. Minseok, Jongdae, and perhaps Jongin could handle it but Sehun was single minded to a fault. At least at this point in her life.

But what she does know is that she loves friendship and connections. What she has with Tao is deep and unexplainable at least on her end. So that’s enough for her and if it stays that way then it will be enough as long as they are friends (which she hopes in her childish little way is forever.)

S: yea  
S: ٩(๑•◡-๑)۶  
S: but you’reeeeee paying bc im sure it’s a nice fancy restaurant in soho and guess who works at au bon pain and parents dont pay her bills? this moi  
S: was that rude? sry didnt mean it even tho you are rich im not lying. also. i want you 2 pay bc i have no money...but i won’t allow it bc i’m…….a…  
S: http://vimeo.com/83186139

\--  
“Sehun Oh,” Jongin huffs when she catches up to her. She tickles her a bit then settles into her side. She, Jongin, and Jongdae were meeting for a quick dinner at this unremarkable but very very cheap sushi place. They went in to get a table, settling in to wait for Jongdae.

“Whatsup?” Sehun asks her. Jongin looks a bit tired but it doesn’t do anything to dampen how attractive she is. Ever. “How’s school?”

“It’s good!” But she scrunches up her nose. “There’s this girl in my group project though. I’m sure she’s nice…I guess.” Sehun laughs because she can hear the wariness in her voice. Jongin is way less sarcastic than Sehun and less willing to make snap judgments then regretting them like Sehun. It reads as cute innocence on Jongin but looks like stupidity on Sehun. “She’s smart she’s just very. Chatty. Nice though. Cute.” Jongin blushes. Ah ha. 

Sehun teases her but stops when Jongdae gets to the table looking a bit frazzled. He still looked good too, though, and his mouth is curling upwards. “Sorry I’m late,” he apologizes. “The fucking dog!” he exclaims and plops down in the seat next to Jongin. “He’s so rambunctious and he wants to eat everything. He didn’t want me to leave then my shoes magically disappeared. Jay would kill me if he was going to start ruining shoes.”

“You’re taking him to that trainer I told you about, right?” Jongin asks. “You better be doing it! You don’t have time to train him!”

“I will, jeez J. Why are you so worried? You don’t have to deal with his bad behavior,” he mumbles while looking over the menu. 

“Because if your dog is at peace, you will be at peace,” she sniffs. “Then Monggu can play with JD all the time!” Jongdae coos at her then ruffles her hair. 

“Can I just say that it’s really weird that you named your dog after yourself. Narcissistic freak,” Sehun says, narrowing her eyes at Jongdae.

“I honestly had no clue what to call him. Shut up Sehun you’d probably name your dog Tarantino or something,” he teases. Jongin gasps. 

“You know I would never!” Sehun puts her hand on her chest. She hates him. Jongdae and Tarantino.

By the time the food arrives they’re all still bickering. The waitress gives them a confused look when she puts the plates down. They say their thanks. Jongdae isn’t embarrassed one bit. 

“Yo, tomorrow are you coming to Jay’s concert? Jongin says she can’t but a couple of the others are going,” Jongdae asks her with a mouthful of food. Jongin shoves a napkin in his face.

“Oh no!” Sehun frowns. “I was supposed to go out to dinner with Tao but I can totally cancel.” Sehun actually loves Jay’s band and she is obsessed with Jay himself (loves him more than Jongdae probably) so she wouldn’t mind cancelling. Or she can get Tao to come along.

Jongdae and Jongin exchange a look that she decides to not even think about. “Don’t worry about it, Sehun. You’re usually always there with me more than anyone else. He’ll know you wanted to come. Go on your date,” he laughs.

“A date, huh?” Jongin’s eyebrows shoot up.

“It’s not a date,” she protests. “Don’t tease me like that in front of him or I’ll kill you. I’m bigger than you two.”

“We’re simply stating facts,” Jongdae replies. He is complete unfazed by her threats. As he should be, probably. “You’re going out to dinner with a very attractive guy who is very much your type.”

“You two get along really well too. If I were anyone else I’d worry he’s replacing us,” Jongin adds. Jongdae and Sehun remind her that she is that kind of person. She rolls her eyes and huffs. “The point is that you’d be cute with him. If that’s what you want.”

“He wasn’t my type when we were in school so why should that be any different now?” She glares at her chopsticks. She’s lying through her teeth; they look at her like they know she’s lying about it too.

\--

Tao does pay for their dinner much to her annoyance. In his defense she let him because it was really expensive. She doesn’t have that kind of money.

It’s another testament to their differences but instead of feeling like she can’t keep up she feels okay with the difference. She knows it’s a part of life. He did something nice for her and told her he wouldn’t just ask her to do things she couldn’t afford to do all the time—she’s a friend, she’s whatever to him—and he was right she did love the restaurant. 

After his smoke outside (she stares at the way his lips look around the cigarette, cheeks hollowing to inhale. She pretends not to notice that he holds her gaze when he does it. Maybe she made it up) she makes him go to Starbucks with her. She squinted at the Christmas themed drinks but picks whatever when he tells her to order for her. 

This she can pay for and they sit down inside. It starts to snow a bit which they both bristle at. Sehun explains how she isn’t a huge fan of how harsh the winters became. Tao says he can’t stand not having sunlight. She doesn’t know what to say in response really but she does knock her foot against his to signal that she understands. He traps her feet between his.

He starts to worry his lip. 

“Whatsup?” she raises her eyebrows.

Throughout dinner the conversation had been light but not without substance. It was standard really. All her friends seemed to gravitate towards art and media and they tended to talk about that a lot. He told her about the previous month, the vacation he took with his family. They went to Spain and his face lit up when she asked about Gaudí. After he exhausted himself talking about the art, something she was genuinely interested in, he mentioned his stepmom and his half-sisters and the cat he missed at home. He didn’t talk about his father that much but Sehun knew it wasn’t out of resentment. The women in his family were just more interesting. Which was typical.

However, this conversation seems to be going in a different direction. She doesn’t mind it but she has to prepare herself for whatever is coming.

“Ask me anything,” she allows.

“What do you think of me now?” He asks quickly. He’s clearly been thinking about it. 

She has to think for a bit. “I don’t know. Like, you’re good. I didn’t think of you as bad before just not what I wanted in my life. But now it’s good. You’re important to me now, I think? It’s been a short time but I feel good about it.” She goes with the short truth. 

He nods. “I was having a lot of problems with school. I drank too much, was doing a substantial amount of drugs, you know. A lot of people were coming in and out of my life at really inopportune times. I met with my mom again, my real mom, after like 5 years and it wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t what I wanted. I’d been in and out of therapy since I was a kid but it really shook me up. I couldn’t handle everything, school wasn’t what I could handle, and the people weren’t what I needed. I didn’t have Luhan with me anymore to ground me. It was really fucking difficult,” he reveals the information slowly. Sehun wants to reach over and take his hand or something equally cliché but feels it’s a bit hard for her to bridge the gap. Instead, she places her hand in the middle of the table. Gives him a choice on his next step. 

He takes her hand so she strokes his, urging him to keep going. “When I saw you it reminded me of a lot of things. I felt like I was always trying to keep up with you in a way even though we barely interacted. I genuinely like you and enjoy your company. I’m not sure I’ve felt this strongly about anything in a while. I know you just get it? With me…I hope you do, at least. You look at me…I feel like you see it and you don’t ask questions.” He exhales. “I have more to say but that’s enough for now. I’ve said enough.”

“It’s fine,” she shrugs. It really is fine with him. “You know, I put a lot of my own confusion about not knowing myself on a lot of people. Like I used to project so much. I did it with you. It doesn’t matter anyway. It sounds stupid but I think we were probably always meant to be friends. In the same way that all my friends let me into their lives, you did too, right?” She hopes because she is fucking burning from embarrassment right now.

“I don’t think you understand how much people enjoy being around you,” he shakes his head. He looks her in the eyes and continues, “and I like you a hell of a lot more than a friend.” She lets out a big breath she had no fucking clue she was holding.

“You could have gone further with that statement but now you decide to be short with your words,” she jokes. After, she puts on that frown that only Tao could bring out these days. The one she wears when she likes someone. “I want to kiss you all the time. It’s really stupid because the last time I wanted to kiss anybody was so long ago and I think that’s why she moved away. Kidding.” 

“Today was a date then. If you rejected me I would have found some way to turn it around because I’m me. But you didn’t. Because I’m me,” he states. Sehun squints at him but smiles when he pushes her bangs out of her eyes and takes a sip of her coffee.

“You’re not gonna be able to sleep because you’re a big baby and then you’re going to text me to complain about it.” He rolls his eyes.

Sure enough when she checks her phone the next morning she has notifications from Tao.

T: _(:c」∠)_  
T: i’m...so...tired….  
T: i know this is going to be you when you wake up - （o ｀▽´ )oΨ

\--

Being with Tao is a unique experience. 

While probably every one of his partners has felt this way she really has no one to talk about it with (Kyungsoo doesn’t count.) Not that she wants to get advice or swap stories with anyone anyway. 

Tao’s best features could double as his worst ones and she is no master at quelling deep insecurity. She doesn’t resent it, his baggage or whatever, but she has to learn how to shift things around to accommodate for him too. The good far outweighs the bad. No one had ever managed to make her feel the way he did. 

The few times she had been with Jongin could have fed her need to be both a friend and romantic partner but that hadn’t really come from desire. With Tao she had a best friend who she happens shares strong intimate moments with and is incredibly fond of romantically (she is possibly in love with him, the admission to herself is pending.) It is truly incomparable to anything else. 

The first time she kissed him (because she had to do it. He was way more confident than her but couldn’t do that) he immediately knew how she enjoyed it perfectly. It started out soft; she pecked his lips once and pulled away to gage his reaction. He leaned down then to coax her mouth open slowly but firmly. After a moment or so he pulled away to bite her lip which. She let out a tiny completely accidental moan and flushed but he kept going, sliding his hand around her neck. She let him take control of the kiss, enjoying that feeling of letting him know he could lead. He pulled at her bottom lip before claiming her lips again, licking into her mouth. He groaned, pulled away to nose at her cheek and she brought up both her hands to stroke at the nape of his neck. 

He had been panting and she didn’t know what to do with that but she loved it. Loved that she did it to him. He kept kissing her all over, her temple, her cheekbone, her jaw while she stroked his neck. “I should let you go,” he whispered. His voice had gone to a purr which she knew was unintentional but it was unfair. She shivered in response—she could totally lie and blame it on the cold.

She recalls the moment now but can’t really put into words what it did to her. Whenever she thinks about it she gets a bit anxious, scared at how much she felt kissing him for the first time because it had never been that way with anyone else. She got the feeling she wasn’t the only one who felt intensely about it though. Well, she is pretty sure she’s not at this point because Tao is no concealer of his attitude or feelings. 

He walks into his kitchen while he towels off his hair and sends Sehun a small smile. She had gotten in with the spare key he hides. She had been pleased when he told her about it two weeks after they kissed. 

“Hey,” he says. He sits down at the small island. Frankly his apartment was too beautiful for just him alone. She wasn’t going to be jealous of him (but she was jealous a little.) He explained to her, though, that after he came back from school he couldn’t be on his own for a while but his parents eventually thought it was a good idea to give him some space if he needed it. It was all kind of too rich people for her to understand, but she thinks his family owns some apartments over the city and he could be alone when he needed or it was convenient.

It had worried her a bit that he told her sometimes he had to be with them to get some emotional support. She hadn’t said it out loud but he smoothed down her frown lines and then cupped her face “It’s fine, I’m working through it,” he assured her, rubbing her worries away.

“Sup?” She places the few groceries she got on the counter. She gets a good look at him for the first time today. His face when it’s free of makeup or anything adorning his eyes is cuter than he would ever like her to admit. He looks a bit tired and puffy. She wonders if he’s been crying. He’s emotional so it’s not rare but she doesn’t have to enjoy it.

“I’m fine,” he smiles at her. “What’d you get?” She stares at him for a bit, wonders if she should believe it then rolls her eyes. He’ll do it at his own time. By now she gotten an extra grip on her reading of him but the both of them are very ‘act now, questions later’. She has time to think about how to handle him today.

“Some chips, ramen, beer for you which is gross, some gummies, soy milk, stuff I wanted.” She shrugs. Then smiles widely. He laughs at her. “Do you want to go out for dinner? This is mostly snack stuff. I can eat it for dinner though for sure. Or, I can go home? Up to you.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever asked you to leave,” he says softly. And…no, he hasn’t. That is great for her. It makes her feel more secure but he also hasn’t asked her to say. And there’s one tricky part…

They’d been doing whatever this was for a bit. A month if Sehun pretends she totally isn’t counting. Three months if you count pre-first date. She doesn’t like talking about this because she simply does not know how. She has no grasp on the perfect etiquette on relationships but that’s the thing…she doesn’t know if this is a relationship and he hasn’t said it. He knows she is waiting for him because things are tough for him right now. She’s willing to wait longer but it’s hard. She thinks that’s what they are? A couple. But she just wants to know. They haven’t told their friends but they haven’t actively hid it either. To them they see they’ve gotten closer and maybe their friends have their own suspicions or know.

She knows the way he looks at her when they’re with everyone. He wants to be able to touch her in front of everyone but he doesn’t do anything. He knows she won’t make any moves if she sees that he is restraining himself. Instead he sends her winks, jokes around with everyone about his shamelessness then rubs her thigh under the table.

Her first instinct is to snap at him. This never goes well with anyone but especially not with Tao. She can tell something is up so to restrain herself she puts the soymilk and beer in his fridge. She thinks about it and takes out a beer for him. She hands him the bottle opener and beer bottle. He takes her hand before she pulls back.

He starts pulling on her, gets up to maneuver them both to his couch. It’s even nicer than Jongdae’s. He places the bottle and opener on his coffee table before sitting down incredibly close to her.

She’s not surprised and is expecting what’s next. He noses his way up the column of her neck kissing her until he gets to her face. He urges her to lay back, gets her legs to extend on the couch. This is typical Tao right now. Whatever he feels is too overwhelming for him to express and he has to touch her. Sometimes it makes her feel special other times it makes her feel lost. Mostly both.

They haven’t fucked with penetration, not yet. It hasn’t been important and she’s not sure it’s been on his mind. They’ve had sex but he does know she’s never had a cock inside of her. Regardless, every time they’re together it’s consuming.

She lets him keep nipping at her neck and he’s slightly grinding against her. She tries to get to his mouth and when she does she bites down hard enough to hurt. He moans quietly. His reaction startles her a bit because they both like to be loud. She wasn’t really like that before but he loves to hear it. She loves to hear him too. She trails her fingers under his loose shirt and scratches hard. He moans a bit louder rutting more forcefully against her.

“I’m…” she pulls away from his lips, which are shiny with spit. She rolls her eyes then goes back to kissing him, turning it sloppier and dirtier. She pulls off his shirt then starts to play with his nipple ring. She tugs forcefully on the left one and he lets out a mix between a shameless purr, moan, and laugh.

He gets a hand between them and undoes the button of her jeans. She removes her hand to take off her shirt and he immediately mouths at her tit through the mesh black lace bralette she’s wearing; the fabric pulls against her nipple while he sucks it into his mouth. His hand gets his way into her panties and starts rubbing her pussy, getting his fingers to massage her clit. She moans loudly for him and she knows he likes it because he bites her nipple. “Fuck!” She shouts in surprise. She tries to move her hands to his pants but he grunts signaling for her to stop while he strokes her clit faster.

“No.” he looks up at her and smiles. “I just want to get you off. Watch.” She frowns but he goes back to biting her nipple. He moves the mesh to the side to get better access to the nub, worrying it between his teeth while still working on her cunt. After a bit he goes back to kissing her roughly. He pulls away to press his forehead against hers and they’re both breathing heavily. He starts pinching her other nipple. “You’re so good Sehunnie. I wanted to eat you out so badly when I saw you. I wanted you to sit on my face. I wanted to taste you more than anything but I want to see you when you come more. Do you know how good it feels when you come for me?”

She wants to cry now. He always says the dumbest shit when they’re fucking but it turns her on so bad. “You’re. Fucking….embarrassed,” she grits out. He slows down rubbing her, takes his hand away from her nipple and puts his fingers in her mouth. She immediately starts licking and sucking, staring into his eyes as she does. She makes it as filthy as possible, uses more saliva. The dirtier the better with him. She can feel his cock presses so hard against her and she wishes he would let her. Wanted to let her.

“Don’t be. I just want my mouth on you all the time. I want to taste your cunt all the fucking time,” he whispers. “I fucking love it when you choke on my cock and I know you do too but you like it most when I’m doing everything for you. I want you to tie me up, not let me come, not let me touch you but just let me eat you out. You know I could come from just that.” She lets out a sob around his finger, puts her hand on his face. He takes her forefinger into his mouth. The hand on her clit hasn’t stopped but is going maddeningly slow on purpose. But his stupid fucking words, his fingers in her mouth, and him slurping on her finger is all too much for her. She begins her telltale signs of being really close; she gyrates faster against his hand and sucks his fingers, trying to talk to him urging him to use her even more—becomes even sloppier before she comes. She’s tuned out for a bit when it happens and lets out loud as fuck moans, moans that he likes, even when she’s coming down she’s still rubbing against his fingers and he’s still stroking her. He knows she likes being pushed and could probably go again but she’s not sure…

She frowns, says around his fingers, “Did you fucking come?” It sounds more like ‘ddi u uffin fum?’ but he gets it. He takes his fingers out and nods. “You could have done that on me not ruined your expensive briefs. We could have had fun with that,” she huffs. But she’s smiling.

“Are you complaining?” He kisses her softly. “Did you not like it Sehunnie?”

“I hate it when you call me that during sex!” She goes beet red. “I think that’s the first time…” 

“I like getting you off so fucking much fuck.” She gives him a butterfly kiss because she’s not sure in which way he means that. “Because I like seeing you pleased, I like knowing I help. I like you a whole lot,” he explains. She nods.

“Your fingers are still on my vagina.” He laughs and gives her a rub. She shivers and he removes his hand. He starts to sit up but she pulls him back down. She knows he basically needs to cuddle after sex. So does she. But she blames it on him. “You worry me, you know? And I...would like…”

“What?” He asks. He’s always encouraging her to continue because he can’t imagine not speaking up. But it’s hard. “Baby, what?”

“I don’t know.” She sighs. She noses his cheek. “I’m sorry. I want you all the time. You know this. I want to be with you so badly. I want you to be mine but I’m waiting for you to ask because I know you need to figure stuff out. I’m worried. I think,” she admits.

“I am yours.” He pulls back to look at her. He sits up a bit, which is a tad uncomfortable for her. She’s guessing everything is probably uncomfortable for him right now too. Because he has come in his briefs. “I wanted to wait a bit before asking too much of you, honestly. I don’t know if this was the best timing to be with you but I can’t think of not being with you. I really really am yours.”

“Ok!” she pushes him away further and he goes off, allowing her to sit up. “I don’t like talking about this.”

“We should, though?” he tickles her chin a bit to relax her. 

“Are you gonna say it?” she grumbles. She feels fucking ridiculous now. She’s half naked and just came only to sit down and talk about their stupid feelings, which they are in no shortage of having. Ever. 

“You’re my girlfriend, Sehunnie. I just had really great sex with my girlfriend. I want to take a shower with my girlfriend now because I have come in my underwear and it’s gross,” he teases. She hits him in the arm a bunch of times in retaliation.

“Ugh! You’re making me cringe!” She hides her face. She can feel his hand stroking her hair.

“Do you feel better about this?” he asks softly.

“Of course,” she nods. She turns her head to look at him. “Do you? Feel better? At all?”

“I do,” he nods. She echoes his movement. She’s glad. She hopes she didn’t come off too needs or forceful. “I get worried too, you know?”

“Why?” She takes his hand from her neck and holds it. He always needs to be anchored when he tries not to feel so off from talking.

“There’s a lot you have to handle with me. I didn’t really ask you to actually truly be with me, while hoping you thought you were, because I’m worried you’ll realize something better…No. I know I’m good enough but I know it’s a lot to handle.” She smiles a bit, proud of him for reworking the sentence. Plus, there is no better for her. “Like when you get proud of me over simple shit like this,” he rubs the side of her face, pulling on her smile.

“It’s my decision. I want literally all of you including the tough parts. If I talked about it more it would seem even grosser. You’re fine.” She tugs his hand. “It’s just right. Everything with you. You know how much this means. I know you do. Just. Let’s shower ok?” He nods and lets himself be lead around by her. 

When they get into the bathroom she undresses him. This is more than she would usually get away with. If he needs to be consoled he would want to be taking care of her. It’s weird, she doesn’t really get it but she guesses that he needs that much control in those moments, like earlier. As much as she loves being taken care of, he does too. 

She frowns at his briefs but throws them in the pile by his jeans, rubbing her hand on his nape as she does so. He stands behind her as she turns on the shower, his chest to her back while she lets the water run for a bit then she undresses fully. 

When they get in the shower he lets her know that he is aware by giving her a huge hug. She exaggerates, pretending to choke. He laughs. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

\--

“Minseok…” Sehun mumbles against her hair. She’s tipsy. She hasn’t seen Minseok in like two days it makes her feel lost. “I want to keep hugging you don’t you dare push me away.”

“Okay princess,” she laughs quietly but lets her lean against her. They’re at a bar with they’re friends. Sehun can hear Jongdae’s fucking annoying (but cute) voice trying to fuck up their drinking game. Kyungsoo is trying so hard not to laugh at him but eventually gives up with his face breaking into a cute laugh. Jongdae cackles in victory. Tao comes into the bar then. 

She laughs to herself, forgetting that her boyfriend fucked one of her close friends. It’s not awkward; they’ve hung out together plenty of times. She still laughs at it though because she’s 12. “Hey,” he exhales when he reaches the table. Everyone cheers. They’re so fucking loud. All of them. Even her. Not Minseok and Kyungsoo, though. Well, maybe them sometimes.

Tao looks really good tonight. His hair is a little windswept. She would say it was on purpose because he literally spends forever on himself (like her, they are well suited) but not this time she doesn’t think. He has on heavier makeup and honestly this is her favorite kind of look for him, at least at night. He knows it. She knows he knows that she knows it. 

“You are late.” She shifts a little away from Minseok to lean towards him. She hears her Minseok mumble something like, “thought you wanted to keep hugging me” And she did but…

“Sorry Shixun,” he apologizes. He holds her gaze for a bit. He smiles after she does first and strokes her chin briefly. She goes back to leaning on Minseok while he goes to order a probably expensive drink. He comes back with a beer for himself and drinks for the others. Some chips for her, she gets fucking famished when she’s drinking.

“We’ll get food on the way back to ours, yea?” he whispers to her. She doesn’t fucking live with him, he barely lives with himself, he knows that but he says it to tease her anyway. He promises one day they’ll move in together when they’re both ready. When he can officially stand on his feet like her. “I was late because I had an interview. This is kind of far from mine. I had to get ready, you know.”

“Did I forget?” she asks, concerned. She makes it a point to remember these things about everyone but especially about Tao, for Tao.

“It was impromptu, I swear. I would tell you,” he promises then kisses her cheek. “It was good.” She frowns to process what he’s saying. He doesn’t want to get into it now but he’s telling the truth and she needs that. 

“I’m going to want to fuck you so much tonight,” she whispers back. “But I probably won’t have the energy after I get drunk. So just know I’m proud of you.”

He smirks a bit. He leans back until he’s less blurry for her, she can see he’s wearing a low cut top to reveal his tattoos. “I’m happy,” he exhales. They share a smile then turn their attention back to their friends.

**Author's Note:**

> This took me like three weeks to write. It ended up being really cathartic for me which is exactly why I started to write it in the first place. Now it's over. Thank god. I never want to look at it again.


End file.
